As a single woman in my 40s, I've had more than my fair share of time to reflect on the modern dating landscape. I’m not the kind of person to jump from one relationship to the next; I value time between relationships to process, grow, and find peace. During these phases, I’ve explored attachment styles, worked through a lot of my inner dynamics, and felt myself shift from anxious to secure. But every time I step back into the dating pool, my peaceful, secure attachment gets tested, usually by avoidant patterns in others.
I know I'm not alone in this. The stats on dating for women over 40 are shocking and strangely comforting. 71% of us have given up on dating altogether—not because we don’t want companionship, but because finding someone who meets our needs is more of an endurance test than an enjoyable experience. According to Psychology Today, it’s a cultural phenomenon affecting both genders (though more women than men), with 42% of single men also stepping out of the dating scene. For many of us, the emotional toll of dating isn’t worth the sporadic rewards. I know countless women who, like me, would love to meet someone but find the process exhausting and often disheartening.
The Push-Pull of Attachment Styles
Despite all the work I've done, my journey with attachment styles isn’t a straight line. I’ve put in the time, learned how to ground myself, and genuinely feel secure in who I am. Yet, each time I start dating again, I meet someone who seems great at first, who claims they’re also interested in a meaningful relationship. Then, like clockwork, I spot the signs of avoidant behavior. I try to be patient, giving them space, not oversharing, and slowly testing the waters to see if they’ll open up. But inevitably, the avoidant cycle starts—pulling me closer, then pushing me away.
I’m sure many of you have experienced this “push-pull” pattern, where avoidant behavior almost forces you toward anxious attachment. It’s a common dynamic that’s especially frustrating if you’ve done the work to feel secure. Psychologists, including Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, explain that attachment styles are fluid. In relationships, our attachment behaviors tend to mirror those of our partner, so when one partner is avoidant, it can naturally draw out anxious responses.
Why Should I Have to Carry the Emotional Load?
In a world where genuine emotional readiness is still relatively rare, those who are emotionally available often carry the burden in relationships. This shouldn’t be our responsibility; holding space for someone else’s unresolved issues isn’t why we’re here. Unfortunately, many people aren’t equipped—or motivated—to pursue true intimacy. They may think they’re ready, but when faced with the vulnerability required, they default to avoidance.
It’s incredibly frustrating to be upfront and intentional, only to discover that the other person either hasn’t examined their patterns or hoped to change the terms of engagement along the way. They hope charm will win you, but when you don’t bend, they pull away, and the cycle starts again.
This recurring pattern has made me question whether dating is even worth it. I often feel that protecting my inner peace and mental health is a higher priority than “finding someone,” especially when the dating process feels more like emotional damage control than an authentic exchange of love and connection.
Finding Peace Outside the Dating Scene
The silver lining to stepping back from dating is preserving my energy and mental well-being. There’s something incredibly liberating about honoring the peace I’ve built rather than engaging with people who haven’t put in the same effort. There’s no need to compromise that inner stability for someone who’s not aligned with my level of emotional growth. Stepping away from dating isn’t about “giving up” on love; it’s about honoring my priorities and peace.
This might sound familiar to many people in my position: it’s not that we’re against companionship—it’s that we’re choosing to focus on a life that’s fulfilling with or without it. Choosing to prioritize inner peace can feel like a radical act in a world that constantly emphasizes romantic love as a primary source of happiness.
The Role of Journaling in Healing
One thing that has helped me stay grounded, regardless of where I am in my dating journey, is journaling. Journaling is powerful because it offers an outlet for all the thoughts, emotions, and insights that come with personal growth and self-discovery. Studies, including research by Dr. James Pennebaker, show that expressive writing can improve mental health and emotional well-being, helping us make sense of our experiences and reduce stress. Writing things down also provides perspective, a safe space to process our thoughts without judgment or pressure.
In my journal, I can reflect on my dating experiences, acknowledge the frustration, and remind myself of my progress. I can document moments of growth, note when I’ve set healthy boundaries, and recognize the patterns I no longer want to engage in. Journaling is like conversing with my most secure self, offering the space to process without losing the peace I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
A Message to the “Avoidants” Out There
To all the avoidant types who say they’re ready for love but can’t stop pulling away, maybe it’s time to give more thought to your patterns. Avoiding intimacy may feel safe, but in reality, it keeps you from experiencing the genuine connection you claim to want. Maybe the next time you’re tempted to withdraw, ask yourself if it’s worth letting your fears get in the way. Because, believe it or not, there are people out there who have done the work and are ready for the real thing—we’re not here to carry the emotional load for you.
For those who value our peace over the “hunt,” taking a break is a healthy choice. When we opt out of the endless dating cycle, we say yes to a life that fulfills us without needing someone else to complete it. And if companionship comes along one day, it will be with someone who’s also done their work—someone who, like us, isn’t asking for their partner to do all the emotional heavy lifting.
Continue Your Healing Journey:
The “Icks” of Transactional Relationships My Journey Through a Toxic Work Environment Modern Marriage: Navigating the Myths, Realities, and Alternatives Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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