When You Assume: A Lesson in Privilege, Bias, and Awareness

When people make assumptions about others, it is not just harmful to the person being judged. It also exposes a level of ignorance in the one making the assumption. You know the saying: "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me." This past weekend, I experienced something that perfectly illustrated white privilege, and I felt compelled to write about it in the hopes that it might encourage people to be more mindful of their actions.

I was invited to lunch with two incredible women: Penny Tindall, the publisher I work with for Desert Foothills Magazine, and the fabulous Dr. Vicki Coleman, widely known as The Anger Doctor and someone I deeply admire.

It was an honor to be included. Dr. Vicki is one of the most brilliant people I know. She has multiple degrees, including a doctorate in psychology, and every conversation with her is full of wisdom and insight. She has a bold sense of style, sporting uniquely framed glasses with one square and one round, fabulous hair, and an energy that makes her truly one of a kind. I first met her through Penny months ago, and since then, I have cherished every opportunity to speak with her. I even wrote about her in the magazine a couple of months back.

We met for a late lunch at the country club. I was dressed casually, which is pretty standard for me as a creative type. Penny had just come from a self-defense class and was in workout clothes. Dr. Vicki, as always, looked effortlessly classy in black with striking accessories and a sleek leather jacket.

Our server, a young woman who was new, seemed sweet but a little nervous. She made some mistakes with Penny and Dr. Vicki’s orders, which was understandable for someone still getting the hang of things. But what happened next caught us all off guard.

After taking our orders, she returned with the club membership bill for signing. Instead of asking, she assumed Penny was the club member and handed it to her. Penny immediately corrected her. “I’m not the club member; she is,” she said, pointing to Dr. Vicki. At first, I did not think much of it. Dr. Vicki said, “You must be new,” as the server nervously giggled and apologized.

It was not until the end of our meal, when Dr. Vicki brought it up again, that the moment's weight truly hit me. She pointed out that this assumption was a perfect example of what is wrong with society. The right thing for the server to do would have been to ask rather than assume.

That is when it hit me. The server automatically assumed Penny was the club member because Penny is white and Dr. Vicki is Black.

The realization devastated me. I had been so honored just to sit at that table with these two brilliant women that I completely overlooked the racism playing out right in front of me. It was jarring. My mind does not categorize people like that. I see people as people, so it did not initially register for me. But that is exactly the problem. It is easy to miss these moments when they do not directly affect you.

Understanding Racial Bias and the Psychology Behind It

Racial bias is deeply embedded in society, often operating beneath the surface of conscious awareness. Psychologists define racial bias as a form of implicit bias, which refers to the unconscious attitudes and stereotypes that influence our actions and decisions without us even realizing it. These biases are shaped by cultural conditioning, media representation, and societal norms, often beginning in childhood.

Research in cognitive psychology shows that our brains rely on shortcuts, or heuristics, to process information quickly. While this is an essential function for decision-making, it also leads to stereotyping. When we are repeatedly exposed to certain racial narratives, whether through personal experiences, social influence, or media portrayals, our brains begin to associate specific traits with particular racial groups. This is why a person might unconsciously assume that a country club member is more likely to be white despite having no direct knowledge of who the actual member is.

Studies in social psychology have shown that implicit bias can affect everything from hiring decisions to medical treatment to law enforcement encounters. The Implicit Association Test (IAT), a well-known tool developed by psychologists, has demonstrated that even people who consciously reject racism can still exhibit implicit biases in split-second decisions. These biases reflect not necessarily a person’s beliefs but the societal conditioning that has shaped their perceptions.

In the case of the restaurant server, she likely did not intend harm or even realize the racial assumption she was making. Yet her automatic response to assume the white woman at the table was the club member revealed a learned bias. This kind of bias is subtle, but it reflects a more significant societal issue where white privilege is assumed as the default. Dr. Vicki’s response was an important reminder that these small moments matter because they reinforce systemic inequalities that persist in everyday life.

The good news is that awareness is the first step toward change. Psychological research suggests confronting and recognizing our biases can help rewire our thinking. By actively questioning our assumptions, engaging in conversations about race, and exposing ourselves to diverse perspectives, we can start to challenge the unconscious biases that shape our world.

Let’s work together to change what we assume about others

This experience was a reminder that racial bias is not always loud and obvious. Sometimes, it is in the most minor, most seemingly insignificant assumptions. Assumptions that reflect a much deeper societal issue.

This was a learning lesson for me. I was so blinded by how I felt about Dr. Vicki and my admiration and respect for her that I did not even notice what happened. It made me realize how easy it is to overlook moments of bias when they do not directly affect you. Just because I do not see people through the lens of race does not mean that others do not. This experience reminded me that privilege is often about what you do not have to consider. It is not just about intent but about awareness, and I need to better recognize these moments in real-time.

I share this story not to vilify the server, who was young and new and likely acting on unconscious biases, but to encourage reflection. These moments matter. If we want change, we have to start by recognizing them.

Recognizing bias is not about placing blame. It is about acknowledging that we live in a world where assumptions are shaped by history, culture, and systemic inequalities. These biases do not always present themselves as overt discrimination. More often, they appear in small, unconscious actions, like the one I witnessed at lunch.

The truth is change begins with awareness. It requires us to step back and question our assumptions, even those we do not think we have. It means calling out bias when we see it, even in the smallest moments. It means choosing to be mindful, to ask rather than assume, and to challenge the narratives we have absorbed throughout our lives.

This experience taught me that simply believing in equality is not enough. It is easy to say, "I do not see race," but that does not mean the world operates the same way. Awareness of privilege means understanding that some people move through life without questioning whether they will be judged, while others must constantly prove themselves. It is about recognizing that racism does not always come from hatred. Sometimes, it is in the quiet, unspoken assumptions that dictate who belongs where.

We all have the power to do better. By listening, learning, and reflecting, we can break these unconscious patterns and create a world where people are seen for who they indeed are, not for the assumptions placed upon them.

Let this be a reminder that the most minor interactions can reflect the biggest societal issues. And that every moment is an opportunity to do better.

Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.