A few years back, I reached a turning point in my life. I realized I was carrying around a lot of unresolved pain from past relationships and experiences. At the time, I didn’t see it that way—I thought I was guarding myself from future hurt. But the reality was that holding onto resentment had become a burden I couldn’t ignore anymore. It weighed me down, blocking me from feeling happy and peaceful in ways I hadn't experienced in years. I realized I needed to go through a process of forgiveness, not only for others but also for myself.
Recognizing the Weight of Resentment and the Need for Forgiveness
I’d been through some tough relationships, both with friends and romantic partners, and those experiences left deep scars. For a long time, I believed that hanging onto anger somehow protected me. I learned that the protection I was trying to hold onto was only hurting me; the anger was hurting me. The truth was, it only kept me tethered to those past experiences. In a way, I was reliving them every day. One question started circling in my mind: “How do I let this go?”
Breaking Free: Realizing Forgiveness Isn’t About Others, It’s About Myself
The turning point came after a vivid, unsettling nightmare about someone I’d been refusing to forgive. I had held onto my anger because I felt that her actions had caused pain to people I cared about, and somehow, staying angry felt like loyalty to them. In my mind, it was as if my anger honored everyone else she’d hurt, almost like anger had become a badge of allegiance. I realized that forgiveness wasn’t about anyone but setting myself free. Forgiveness didn’t mean what happened was okay; I wouldn’t have it.
One evening, I wrote a letter to her who deeply hurt me. I let every thought and feeling pour out, uncensored and raw. I was hateful, nasty, and mean in the letter; I allowed the shadow side of me to take over the writing. I didn’t plan to send it; it was more of a release. As I wrote, something shifted inside me. By the end of the letter, I felt emotionally drained. I cried, and I remember subconsciously saying out loud, “It’s over.” I felt the muscles in my body relax for the first time in a long time. I had to take a nap, but I was lighter. I learned to let go of something I was holding onto that wasn’t serving me. I didn’t need to keep holding onto the anger because, in a way, I had finally given it somewhere to go.
Over time, I began to understand that forgiveness is a process; it’s not a one-time thing. People will always do things that cause you to feel wronged, and forgiveness never becomes instant. But each time, it felt a little easier. What made it easier after that first time was letting go of the fear of the unknown and trusting that the result would bring a sense of peace to my whole self. I started to see forgiveness as a path rather than a destination.
Practical Tips on the Path to Forgiveness
Here are some things I discovered on that path that might help others who are struggling with forgiveness:
Permit Yourself to Feel For a long time, I bottled up my emotions, thinking that feeling anger or sadness was somehow “weak.” But those emotions are part of the healing process. Writing, talking, or even just acknowledging them can be a release. In my case, writing that letter was the first step in letting my feelings out.
Reframe Your Perspective This took time, but eventually, I could look at my experiences differently. I began to see those painful moments as lessons, not just losses. They taught me resilience and strength. Reframing doesn’t erase the hurt, but it helped me to see value in the experience.
Be Kind to Yourself Forgiving someone else often means forgiving yourself, too. There were days when I felt like I had failed for not letting go sooner. But I learned that healing isn’t linear. There are ups and downs, and that’s okay. Self-compassion became an essential part of my process.
Establish Boundaries Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. For some relationships, moving forward requires a healthy distance. I had to create boundaries, not out of anger, but to protect my peace and continue healing.
Focus on Inner Peace When I struggled to let go, I would imagine the peace I wanted to feel. What would life look like without the constant weight of resentment? That vision became my motivation. I kept reminding myself that forgiveness was for me, not anyone else.
As I continued my journey, I realized how powerful structured reflection could be in guiding others through forgiveness. This realization inspired me to create a Forgiveness Journal filled with prompts that walk readers through each step of the process. These prompts encourage self-reflection, helping you identify the sources of pain, understand your emotions, and ultimately find the strength to release resentment. Each prompt gently guides you to confront your feelings and explore the impact of forgiveness on your well-being. By addressing these thoughts and feelings on paper, the journal provides a safe, personal space to navigate the complexities of forgiveness. Whether forgiving someone else or learning to forgive yourself, the journal offers the tools to embark on this transformative journey, leading to a renewed sense of peace and freedom.
I won’t say I’m “done” with forgiveness. Some days, old memories resurface, and I learned to address them as they come. It has become easier to release things through my practice. But each time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. It’s a way to free myself from a past I can’t change to move toward a peaceful future. Continue Your Healing Journey:
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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