When I was younger, my family’s life revolved around the church. My parents were youth group leaders, and our home became the center of church activities. We hosted events, welcomed young adults training to become pastors in our home to live with us, and even had a pool where youth group kids would gather. I was deeply immersed in the faith, carrying a Bible that proudly declared, “I’m Radical for Jesus” and eagerly sharing my beliefs with others. At the time, the church felt like a second family—a safe, supportive community.
But all of that came crashing down when my mom and stepdad decided to divorce after years of trying to make their unhappy marriage work. Despite their efforts in counseling and prayer, their decision to prioritize their well-being and happiness was met with condemnation. My mom received a letter from church leaders declaring that she was destined for hell because of her divorce.
The judgment didn’t stop there. When I tried to return to youth group, the friends I thought were like siblings turned on me, calling me a slut simply because of my mom’s decision. I still remember walking away in the church parking lot, overwhelmed by sadness and rejection but expressing it as anger. I turned around, yelled “F-you,” and flipped them off with both middle fingers. I never went back to church again.
This experience wasn’t just heartbreaking; it was deeply damaging to my mental health.
The Weight of Shame and Guilt in Organized Religion
Unfortunately, stories like mine aren’t uncommon. Many religious communities use shame and guilt as tools for control, projecting judgment rather than offering the compassion and support that faith should inspire. These harmful dynamics can leave lasting scars, leading to feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, depression, and even religious trauma.
What’s most frustrating is that this behavior doesn’t reflect the teachings of the Bible. In Matthew 7:1-2, Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Yet many church communities wield judgment as a weapon, shaming those who make choices that don’t align with their rigid expectations.
The church often preaches love and forgiveness but fails to practice it. For instance, John 8:7 recounts how Jesus confronted a group ready to stone a woman accused of adultery, saying, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” His message was clear: none of us are without fault, and it’s not our place to condemn others. Yet, my mom’s divorce was met with condemnation instead of understanding—a direct contradiction to these teachings.
The Psychological Toll
Religious shame and guilt are powerful forces that can deeply impact mental health. When a community rejects someone for their choices or circumstances, it can lead to isolation, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of self-worth. In my case, the rejection I faced at 15 left me questioning not just my church but also my identity and value.
For many, this kind of trauma is compounded by teachings that frame human struggles as personal failings or sins rather than as opportunities for growth and grace. This can create a toxic cycle of self-blame and despair, making it difficult for individuals to seek help or feel worthy of healing.
Breaking the Cycle
To move beyond the shame and guilt projected by organized religion, it’s important to recognize that these behaviors stem from people, not faith itself. The Bible is full of messages about love, compassion, and acceptance. Romans 3:23 reminds us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” This verse doesn’t just level the playing field; it calls us to humility and grace toward one another.
Healing from the mental health damage caused by religious judgment requires us to separate the teachings of faith from the flawed practices of people. It also means finding or creating communities prioritizing compassion over condemnation and support over shame.
Leaving the church was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it also opened the door to healing and self-discovery. I’ve realized that true faith isn’t about adhering to rigid rules, attending a congregation, giving money for tidings, or fearing judgment—it’s about embracing love for yourself and others.
You don’t have to attend church to be a good person; attending church doesn’t automatically make you one. I haven’t set foot in a church in 31 years, yet I still carry the values and lessons I learned with me. I believe in the morals and teachings of the Bible, but I also find wisdom in Buddhist, Hindu, and Jewish practices and beliefs. Being a good human is about personal growth, striving to be better, and creating a healthier life for ourselves and society. I value social responsibility, love, compassion, and acceptance.
The rejection I experienced from the church taught me to be more compassionate and accepting of others. I don’t want to be the reason someone feels the way I did when I was cast aside.
I’m far from perfect—I’m still human and make mistakes—but I try to learn and grow from them. I know that when I was in deep pain, I often hurt others, behaving in controlling ways because of my abandonment and self-esteem issues. That doesn’t mean I’m destined for hell; it means I was damaged by my experiences and needed to work on healing. To this day, I’m committed to that process.
The person I am now is very different from who I was when I was suffering. Those who meet me today see me as a source of support, someone they turn to for advice and empathy when in need. I didn’t need a church to become this person—I grew into it because that’s who I am at my core.
If you’ve experienced similar trauma, know that you’re not alone, and the judgment of others doesn’t define your worth. Healing is possible, and it starts by rejecting the shame and guilt that organized religion may have placed on you.
Faith should empower, not diminish. It should heal, not harm. And it should always—always—be rooted in love.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
Comments