Emotional labor is the invisible work we do to manage not only our own emotions but also the emotions of those around us. It’s about remembering important dates, offering comfort during difficult times, and mediating conflicts when tensions rise. While these efforts are often necessary, they are rarely acknowledged. In my own life, I’ve seen how this emotional responsibility can lead to exhaustion and resentment, especially when it's not equally shared.
Emotional labor can take many forms in relationships. I’ve been in situations where I felt like the emotional caretaker—listening, providing support, and helping the other person through their struggles, yet rarely receiving that level of care in return. Over time, this imbalance took a toll on me, making me realize how crucial it is to recognize and address emotional labor before it leads to burnout.
Defining Emotional Labor
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild first coined emotional labor in her 1983 book The Managed Heart to describe how workers manage their emotions to meet job expectations. However, the concept has expanded to include emotional management within personal relationships. According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), emotional labor isn’t categorized as a disorder. Still, its effects can contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress, especially when one person consistently carries the emotional burden.
I’ve had conversations in which I noticed I was always initiating deeper discussions, offering empathy, or acknowledging the other person’s feelings while they rarely asked about mine. There are times when I go around people who are so emotionally deregulated that spending a half hour with them makes me want to go home and take a nap. Over time, I began to feel drained, unsupported, and frustrated because my emotional needs were never prioritized.
The Gender Divide
Studies show that women carry emotional labor disproportionately. In a 2018 study published in Gender & Society, researchers found that 86% of women feel responsible for managing household emotions, compared to just 50% of men. This imbalance extends beyond romantic relationships. Women are often expected to offer emotional support in friendships and at work, frequently without reciprocation.
In my own experience, I’ve seen how this dynamic plays out. I’ve known people who would come to me for advice, comfort, or reassurance, but when I needed emotional support, they were either unavailable or dismissive. This pattern left me feeling like my emotional labor was taken for granted. I remember trying to have meaningful conversations with someone I had known for years, only to be met with indifference or vague responses. Eventually, I realized that if I continued to bear the emotional weight of the relationship alone, it would only lead to further resentment and emotional exhaustion, and I would have to step back from the friendship. I didn’t have a big confrontation or trash the person; I just stepped back and redirected my energy.
Emotional Labor and Relationship Breakdown
The unequal distribution of emotional labor can significantly affect relationship breakdown. The 2020 Pew Research Center survey revealed that 64% of married couples cited a lack of emotional support as a major reason for divorce. When one person continuously bears the emotional load, it creates an imbalance that can lead to resentment. Over time, this imbalance damages the foundation of the relationship, causing the person who carries the burden to feel unheard and unappreciated.
Sometimes, I noticed that with some people, every conversation seemed one-sided—I would check in, offering emotional validation. At the same time, my partner or friend barely acknowledged my efforts. This eventually made me feel emotionally disconnected from them, and despite my attempts to address the issue, nothing changed. I could sense the relationship deteriorating because I always worked emotionally while they remained distant.
The Mental Health Impact on Women
The weight of emotional labor, especially when unacknowledged, can lead to mental health challenges. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), women are more likely than men to experience anxiety and depression, in part due to the emotional caregiving roles they often take on. Women are expected to juggle emotional support alongside professional responsibilities, which can result in emotional burnout.
I’ve been in relationships where I felt like I had to be the emotional anchor, even when struggling. For instance, I found myself navigating a relationship where the other person wasn’t willing to engage emotionally. I would try to address issues with kindness and patience, yet it felt like I was talking to a wall. Over time, I realized that carrying this emotional weight alone was impacting my mental health, leaving me feeling isolated and exhausted.
Moving Toward Equality
Acknowledging and redistributing emotional labor is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Open communication is key. I’ve learned that in relationships, both people need to share the emotional responsibilities for the relationship to thrive. When one person shoulders the burden, it leads to frustration and fosters a sense of imbalance that can ultimately break the bond.
One thing I’ve found helpful in addressing emotional labor is learning to recognize when I’m carrying too much of it. In a previous relationship, I tried to repair emotional distance while the other person remained disengaged. I eventually realized that continuing to bear the burden of the relationship was not only unhealthy but also unfair to me. That was when I let go, acknowledging that emotional labor must be shared for the relationship to function.
Emotional labor is a foundational element of relationships. When the responsibility of managing emotions falls disproportionately on one person—especially women—it can result in emotional exhaustion and the eventual breakdown of the relationship. It’s essential to recognize and actively address the imbalance of emotional labor to maintain the health and longevity of any partnership. We must be mindful of our emotional load and the weight we ask others to bear. We can only create healthier, more equitable relationships where both partners feel supported by addressing this imbalance.
This highlights the importance of maintaining your mental health and how it affects the dynamics of relationships. It’s crucial to take the time to heal and work through past trauma to prevent emotional burnout in your interactions with others. Reflecting on my own experiences, I’ve realized that I carried the emotional burden for many people, but at the same time, others took more of my weight than they should have. The more I’ve grown and learned, the less of a burden I aim to be to others. I want to uplift those around me, to bring joy and encouragement, not to add to their stress or trauma.
To those I may have unknowingly drained in the past, I understand now what I didn’t realize then. I regret that I might have contributed to others’ emotional strain, but having gained this awareness, I’m committed to improving all my relationships.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
