Social media’s constant updates make it easy to feel connected to others’ lives—even relationships. But now and then, I feel an instinctive discomfort, a kind of internal cringe, when I see a connection that seems more transactional than genuine. It’s the sense that each person is using the other for status, security, or validation, and it hits that uncomfortable spot in my gut I call “the icks.”
I’ve learned that these “icks” are my intuition kicking in, signaling that something’s off. Recognizing this has been invaluable in building genuine and nourishing relationships. Today, I want to share how I recognize these surface-level dynamics, why they can feel so uncomfortable to watch, and how I’ve moved away from them to focus on authenticity in my connections.
What is a Transactional Relationship?
I’ve seen transactional relationships as those where each person seems to be getting something from the other rather than truly connecting. In these setups, the give-and-take becomes about appearances, status, or validation rather than shared respect, vulnerability, or growth. It might look like dating someone for their looks or status or choosing someone based on what they can provide, but at the heart, there’s often a lack of true emotional intimacy.
While all relationships have some give-and-take, I’ve learned to recognize when they feel hollow. A transactional relationship lacks that spark of mutual respect and emotional depth that I’ve come to value so much in authentic connections.
Why Transactional Relationships Give Me “The Icks”
When I witness or sense a transactional relationship, it can feel deeply unsettling—even if it doesn’t directly involve me. Here’s why I think these situations can feel so uncomfortable:
Lack of Authenticity: Real connection is based on openness and mutual care. It feels empty when I sense that people are in it primarily for what they can get from each other. Relationships built on self-serving goals instead of real bonding have an almost hollow quality, and it’s often easy to feel this lack of sincerity from the outside.
Performative Connection: Transactional relationships often seem overly curated or displayed on social media, as if the couple is trying to sell a certain “ideal” to themselves and others. This performance can be insincere or even cringe-worthy, especially if the affection and enthusiasm feel exaggerated. It seems less about real love and more like they’re trying to convince themselves or their followers that the relationship is picture-perfect.
Projection of Insecurities: People in transactional relationships often look to fill an internal void. I’ve seen people gravitate toward a partner as a status symbol for financial security or to “fix” a deep insecurity. This pattern feels hollow, as it’s more about soothing insecurities than building an actual bond. Recognizing this behavior reminds me of the growth I’ve done to avoid seeking validation outside myself.
Mirror of Unhealthy Patterns: Since I’ve worked to heal and grow, seeing these patterns in others can feel like a stark reminder of behaviors I’m consciously moving away from. It’s unsettling because it can bring up memories of my past insecurities or moments when I was drawn to people for the wrong reasons. Now, when I feel those “icks,” I know it’s a reminder to stay true to the healthier, more intentional choices I’ve worked hard to cultivate.
Recognizing Transactional Patterns in My Own Life
Observing these dynamics in others has helped me reflect on my connections and understand my motivations. Here are a few questions I use to stay grounded and focused on authenticity:
Am I approaching my relationships with honesty about my own needs and desires?
Do I feel appreciated for who I am beyond what I can offer?
Are my relationships balanced, or am I falling into one-sided dynamics?
Am I projecting any insecurities onto my partner or friends?
Do I feel naturally drawn to people who are authentic and self-aware?
These questions can be difficult to ask, but I’ve found that they often reveal hidden motivations or areas where I need to check in with myself. Being honest about what I bring to my connections and what I need in return has helped me build more fulfilling relationships.
Moving Toward Authentic Connections
Over time, I’ve learned that the best way to avoid transactional dynamics is by setting intentions around honesty, vulnerability, and mutual respect. Here’s what’s worked for me in building authentic relationships:
Building Self-Worth from Within: I’ve found that when I truly value myself, I don’t need validation from others to feel whole. This shift has allowed me to approach relationships as an equal partner rather than looking for someone to “complete” me.
Cultivating Emotional Awareness: I’m less likely to get caught up in surface-level dynamics by reflecting on my motivations and needs. This awareness has become a foundation for my relationships, helping me connect more deeply.
Practicing Vulnerability: I used to guard my emotions, but I’ve learned that healthy relationships involve opening up and being honest about my needs. When both people are willing to be real, it creates a sense of trust that can’t be forced.
Setting Clear Boundaries: Boundaries have become essential in my relationships, helping protect my energy and avoid one-sided connections. Knowing my limits allows me to invest in relationships that truly nourish me.
Choosing Growth-Focused Relationships: I’m now drawn to people who value self-improvement and authenticity. These relationships create space for mutual support, understanding, and personal growth.
The “icks” I feel when witnessing transactional relationships have become a powerful reminder to prioritize authenticity in my life. By listening to these instincts and reflecting on what I observe, I’ve learned to let go of the old, shallow patterns and build relationships that align with who I am today.
I’m grateful to have found the clarity to know that genuine connections go beyond surface-level exchanges. The people who truly value me appreciate me for who I am—not just for what I can offer. These authentic relationships are worth every bit of effort, and they’re where I find real companionship, trust, and connection that enrich my life in ways a transactional relationship never could.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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