In today’s world, genuine friendships can be complicated, and balancing them can be even more challenging. Too often, one person puts in most of the effort—always reaching out, always showing up—until they realize the friendship might disappear if they stop. I’ve been there myself, testing the balance by deciding not to reach out and waiting for the other person to initiate. When they didn’t, it felt like a confirmation that my presence in their life wasn’t as valued as theirs had been in mine.
One friendship from years ago stands out in my mind. This friend and I had grown close, but over time, I noticed I was constantly making the calls, planning the get-togethers, and sustaining the connection. So, I decided to back off, wondering if she’d reach out to me instead. She didn’t, and we drifted apart. Years later, when we crossed paths, she mentioned she “didn’t know what happened” between us. I explained that I’d felt the friendship was one-sided, so I waited to see if she’d make an effort. She denied it, saying she’d never noticed any imbalance and genuinely couldn’t understand what I was discussing. While we were on good terms when she passed away, that conversation has always stayed with me, reminding me of how unaware people can be about the role they play in relationships.
America’s Loneliness Epidemic: A Societal Problem
In America, loneliness and mental health issues are more pervasive than ever. According to a recent Harvard study, 36% of Americans report “serious loneliness,” including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children. This loneliness is part of a broader decline in social support networks. Marriage rates are at an all-time low, with the Census Bureau reporting only 45% of American adults as married, down from 72% in 1960. More people live alone, so more people turn to friendships for support, traditionally from family or spouses.
Yet many friendships fail to fulfill that role because one person doesn’t try to maintain the relationship. When friendships are one-sided, the supportive friend can end up feeling used or undervalued, leading them to withdraw—which only compounds the loneliness that so many people are already feeling.
The Importance of Communication in Friendships
Communication is essential in any relationship, especially when navigating the complexities of modern friendship. It’s not uncommon for someone to reach out more than the other person is comfortable with or for misunderstandings to arise. Rather than withdrawing, ghosting, or assuming the other person will “just get it,” it’s important to communicate openly and respectfully.
If a friend is reaching out more frequently than you’re comfortable, consider letting them know. Say something like, “I value our friendship but sometimes get overwhelmed with communication. Can we agree to check in weekly?” Don’t dictate when this check-in is; that would be borderline control (I wrote about this in my blog post, “Is it Control, or is it a boundary?”). Most people appreciate honesty, and establishing boundaries in a kind, clear way can strengthen the relationship.
Similarly, if something has bothered you—maybe a comment they made or an action that hurt you—don’t let resentment fester. Villainizing someone without giving them a chance to understand or apologize only perpetuates misunderstandings. Instead, try to have an open conversation, focusing on how their actions affected you without placing blame. This could sound like, “When you said [X], I felt [Y], and I wanted to talk about it because I value our friendship.” Being vulnerable in this way allows both people to move forward without the baggage of unspoken feelings.
How to Be a Good Friend in a Modern World
We must redefine what being a good friend means to foster healthy, balanced friendships. Here are some important steps to being the kind of friend that contributes to a meaningful, two-way connection:
Show Up Consistently: Consistency is key. Don’t just reach out when you need something or it’s convenient. Good friends try to check in regularly, whether things are good or challenging.
Reciprocate Effort: If you notice a friend is always reaching out, take the initiative and contact them first sometimes. Reciprocation shows respect and value for the other person’s time and effort.
Be Present: Listen empathetically when a friend reaches out, especially in difficult times. Active listening and being present can mean more than grand gestures, showing that you genuinely care about their well-being.
Respect Their Boundaries and Needs: Everyone has limits. Respecting boundaries and understanding a friend’s needs, even if they differ from yours, is crucial in maintaining mutual respect.
Check-in During Highs and Lows: Friendships are about sharing the good times and supporting each other through the lows. Reaching out during both helps create a balanced, resilient connection that can endure life’s ups and downs.
Communicate Honestly and Regularly: If something feels off, communicate rather than assume. Express your needs or concerns directly and kindly. This allows for growth and understanding, keeping the friendship authentic and free from resentment.
Why Balanced Friendships Matter
Supportive, balanced friendships are essential for well-being. A Harvard study showed that people with strong relationships are happier and live longer. Another study from the American Psychological Association links meaningful social connections with lower rates of anxiety and depression. But meaningful friendships don’t happen accidentally; they require effort, understanding, and communication.
Our current society, with its mental health challenges, decreasing marriage rates, and rising levels of loneliness, underscores the importance of building relationships that offer genuine support. In a time when so many are dealing with mental health struggles, anxiety, and loneliness, being a good friend is more than a nice-to-have; it’s a responsibility we owe each other.
So, as we navigate our busy lives, let’s remember the art of balanced friendship. It’s not always easy, but trying to show up, communicate, and understand each other’s needs can mean the difference between shallow connections and deep, fulfilling relationships that enrich people’s lives.
Book Recommendations:
The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections by Kim Wier
Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown
Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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