Personal Boundaries
Another big buzzword right now is boundaries. I have noticed that, like most things, people use this term a lot, yet they do not understand what it means, so I’m going to break it down in a simple way.
Setting a personal boundary is not just a way to express what you are and are unwilling to do. It's a powerful tool that allows you to define your limits, both mental and emotional, and protect yourself from manipulation. Here are some examples:
I appreciate your considering me via text; please call me if you want to talk. I don't like having entire conversations through text messages; they leave things open for misinterpretation.
I like to be affectionate. However, I am not comfortable doing that in public.
I understand that I am a salaried employee, but I like to spend time with my friends and family on the weekends.
You can stay with me while you get back on your feet; however, we must create a timeline for when you will get into your place.
I’m happy to help you move this time, but that doesn’t mean I'm always available.
The person that you become when you drink is not healthy for me to be around, so I won’t be around you when you drink.
Knowing your boundaries and being clear about them with others is important when maintaining good relationships. Holding your boundaries helps you stay in your power so you don't end up doing something you don’t want to do and create resentment toward someone you care about.
Boundaries Do Not Equal Control
I’ve seen people try to use this term to manipulate others. This term is not supposed to be used to control what someone else does or doesn’t do. Some examples of control:
Tell your partner you don’t like one of their friends, so they can’t hang out with him/her.
You can’t drink anymore.
I don’t like your outfit; you need to change your clothes.
I’m a Christian, so you need to become one too.
I don’t like your job, you need to find a new one.
You need to be happy if you are going to be around me.
Boundaries are your actions, not someone else's; they are your limitations. If you find yourself trying to change someone else, you can’t call that a boundary; you’re trying to control someone else.
Respecting Boundaries
Setting your boundaries or personal limitations isn’t just about you; you must also respect someone else’s boundaries. If someone sets a boundary with you, understand that’s how they feel and show that person the same respect you want for yourself.
I recently had a situation with a dear friend a few months ago. It was my birthday, and I felt sad and overwhelmed. Two of my friends had passed away, and my work bestie had just found a new job, so I wasn’t in the happiest mood. I felt tired and irritable thinking about the losses that I had just experienced, and I didn’t feel like celebrating. A friend sent me a text message:
Friend: Happy Birthday, my lovely friend!Me: Thanks Homie
Friend: Hope you feel better and enjoy your day, what’s the plans for the today?
Me: Sleep, I just feel exhausted, I’m exhausted.
Friend: Don’t make me go over there and get your a$$ up.
Me: Please respect that I need to decompress from the daily emotional drama I’ve been experiencing.
Friend: Ok I will shut up bye.
I haven’t heard from that friend in two months. This is an example of when I wasn’t feeling up to something and the other person was trying to control my feelings; when I didn’t fake being happy for that friend's sake just because it was what they wanted, the person stopped talking to me. This was a lack of respect for my boundaries. I’m not angry with this person, and should this friend return, I would be happy to talk. However, I shouldn’t have to feel like celebrating if I am not feeling up to it. Being uncomfortable with someone not feeling so great isn’t a reason to stop talking to someone; respect that the person needs space and give it to them.
I see this often: someone feels sad, doesn’t want to do something, says something, and then the other party writes them off and says, “They crossed my boundaries; they are done.” Instead of respecting a different thought or belief, people villainize each other to feel a sense of control and call it a boundary. It’s unhealthy to do this and doesn’t create happiness for anyone involved.
We have reached a point where we weaponize terms to control others. You can not and should not even want to control other people. You can only control what you do and say. If someone doesn’t feel like doing something, and that makes you mad, you are the one with the problem, not the other person. Boundaries go both ways, and they need to be respected by both sides.
Personal boundaries are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect. Setting boundaries is about defining your limits, protecting yourself from manipulation, and not controlling others. Communicating and respecting each other's boundaries is important to foster understanding and harmony. Boundaries are about your actions and limitations, not someone else's. Respecting boundaries leads to healthier interactions and more fulfilling relationships.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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