We all encounter people who seem to breeze through relationships, friendships, and everyday interactions, unaware of the damage they leave in their wake. They hurt others, sometimes carelessly, without blinking an eye. And what’s worse—they often move on without remorse or accountability. It feels like they keep living unaffected, leaving a trail of emotionally intelligent and self-aware individuals to bear the weight of that damage.
But there’s a hidden truth about this behavior: people who don’t heal their pain are often stuck in cycles of hurting others. This blog is about that cycle, how it damages those who are emotionally aware, and why those who cause harm might not be as free from suffering as they appear.
I heard something a few years ago that gave me such a clear visual and understanding of this topic, and it helped me understand how emotional healing works:
Imagine you're in the kitchen cutting food, and the knife slips—you cut your finger, and it's bleeding. What do you do? You rinse it off, disinfect it, apply some ointment, and bandage it. You keep cleaning it and changing the bandage as it heals until it's fully better.
Now, imagine doing the opposite. Instead of treating the wound, you ignore it. Blood starts dripping everywhere. Someone tries to talk to you, and as you raise your bleeding finger, you fling blood on them. Naturally, they’d be horrified, wondering why you're not addressing the wound. Over time, it gets infected, the pain worsens, and more complications arise because you didn’t go through the proper healing process.
This is exactly what happens when we don't heal our emotional wounds. We carry the pain around, and instead of tending to it, we let it spill over onto others, affecting their lives and relationships while our pain deepens and festers.
The Cycle of Passing Pain
When people don’t take the time to heal their emotional wounds, they often pass that pain on to others. This can manifest as emotional avoidance, dishonesty, manipulation, or even outright cruelty. It’s as though they project their unresolved feelings outward instead of doing the difficult internal work of facing them head-on. Instead of breaking the cycle, they carry their unhealed trauma into every relationship and every conversation—creating pain for others without even realizing it.
For emotionally intelligent people—those who have done the hard work of self-reflection, emotional growth, and healing—this behavior is especially damaging. They are more aware of emotional dynamics and sensitive to how people interact. So when they encounter someone who passes on their unhealed pain, it can feel like an unbearable weight. The emotionally intelligent person becomes the one shouldering the emotional labor, trying to make sense of the damage and often wondering if they’re to blame for the hurt they’ve endured.
Why Emotionally Intelligent People Feel the Weight So Heavily
Emotionally intelligent people are often highly empathetic. They can sense when something is off in a relationship or when someone is acting out of unresolved trauma. But because they are so attuned to these emotional undercurrents, they often find themselves trying to "fix" things—whether by overextending themselves in relationships or trying to understand and soothe the person causing the harm.
This emotional labor takes an immense toll. Emotionally intelligent people navigate their feelings and attempt to manage the emotional damage caused by others. They might find themselves exhausted, anxious, or questioning their worth because the people causing harm often gaslight them into thinking they are the problem.
And this is where it gets even more painful: the people causing the harm often walk away without acknowledging their role in the damage. They may even blame the emotionally intelligent person for being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or even “crazy.” This gaslighting adds insult to injury, leaving the emotionally aware person to deal with not only the original pain but also the confusion and self-doubt that comes from being blamed for it.
Why the Harmful Behavior Continues
So why don’t people who cause this damage stop and reflect on their actions? Why don’t they do the emotional work that could prevent them from hurting others? There are several reasons:
Lack of Self-Awareness: Many people who pass on their pain don’t even realize they’re doing it. They haven’t taken the time to reflect on their emotional wounds, and as a result, they are blind to the ways they hurt others.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: Facing one’s emotional pain requires vulnerability and a willingness to confront brutal truths. Many people avoid this because it’s uncomfortable. They would rather project their pain outward than look inward and face it head-on.
Fear of Accountability: Admitting that you’ve hurt someone requires taking responsibility. For some, this is terrifying because it means acknowledging that they’ve been harmed. Instead of confronting this, they deflect, blame others, or pretend the damage doesn’t exist.
Societal Conditioning: Men are often raised in environments that discourage emotional expression. They’re told to “be strong,” “man up,” and avoid feelings altogether. This lack of emotional education means they never develop the tools to process their pain or to relate to others in emotionally healthy ways.
Gaslighting as a Defense Mechanism: When people are called out for their harmful behavior, some will gaslight the person confronting them, making them feel like they’re in the wrong. This deflection protects their fragile egos and keeps them from facing the truth of their actions.
The Hidden Cost of Causing Damage
While it may seem like the people who hurt others go on unscathed, the truth is more complex. Internally, they often live in a state of emotional avoidance, disconnected from their feelings. They might jump from relationship to relationship, seeking superficial validation without experiencing the deeper emotional intimacy that leads to true fulfillment.
This can leave them feeling empty or dissatisfied, even if they don’t consciously recognize it. They may experience fleeting moments of happiness, but without the emotional depth and healing, these moments are often short-lived and unfulfilling. Over time, this pattern of avoidance and damage creates a cycle of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and shallow relationships.
They may not suffer in visible ways, but they are trapped in their cycles of unhealed trauma, incapable of forming real, meaningful connections. They are stuck living emotionally hollow lives, even if they seem content on the surface.
Healing and Protecting Yourself from Emotional Damage
For those of you who are emotionally intelligent, it’s important to recognize that you cannot fix or heal those unwilling to do the work themselves. Trying to manage someone else’s emotional damage is not only exhausting but can also erode your sense of self-worth over time.
Here are a few steps to help protect yourself:
Set Boundaries: Don’t allow someone else’s emotional wounds to become your responsibility. Set clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in relationships.
Recognize Gaslighting: If someone is trying to make you feel like you’re the problem for reacting to their harmful behavior, recognize it for what it is—gaslighting. Trust your emotional intelligence, and don’t let someone twist your reality.
Prioritize Self-Care: Healing from the damage caused by others requires tending to your needs. Don’t let yourself get lost in trying to fix others. Focus on what makes you feel grounded, whether journaling, therapy, or surrounding yourself with emotionally safe people.
A Warning to Those Who Cause Harm
This is your wake-up call if you recognize yourself in the description of those who pass on their pain. Continuing to hurt others without taking responsibility will leave you trapped in cycles of emotional emptiness. You may avoid vulnerability, but that avoidance comes at the cost of true connection. The longer you deflect your pain onto others, the further you distance yourself from meaningful relationships and real fulfillment.
Change requires vulnerability, self-reflection, and accountability. It’s not easy, but facing your pain is the only way to stop the cycle of hurt and truly live a life filled with emotional depth and authenticity.
If you’ve been harmed by someone who carries their unhealed trauma into every relationship, know that you are not alone, and it’s not your responsibility to fix them. You can protect your peace and focus on your healing journey. And to those who continue to cause harm—recognize that the damage you create doesn’t just hurt others; it traps you in an emotional prison of your own making. True peace comes from healing, not avoidance.
Let’s stop passing the pain and instead do the work to heal it.
Book Recommendations
"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk
"It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn
"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
"Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" by Daniel Goleman
"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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