There was a time when I was younger, watching friends get married, that I felt a pang of being left behind. I had never put finding “the one” on a pedestal, yet seeing so many people commit made me wonder if I should be prioritizing marriage, too. As I grew and learned more about myself and the world, I came to understand a truth that most fairy tales and romance novels don’t tell you: there is no such thing as “the one.” Relationships are not perfect; they’re complex, challenging, and often messy. Today, many of the people I envied in my youth for finding love and committing to marriage are now divorced—or if they’re still married, few seem truly happy. I can count the couples I know who genuinely seem content in their marriage.
The Pressure to Marry Young
Marriage is still one of the most celebrated milestones, and for women especially, there is often an underlying message that we’re not complete until we’re married. Yet, for many people, the pressure to marry young frequently means committing before truly understanding themselves. This is especially true for people who come from religious backgrounds. The reality is that self-discovery takes time, and our twenties are often a period of growth, exploration, and change. When people marry before having a chance to develop their identities fully, they may later find that the person they became doesn’t align with the person they married. Unfortunately, this misalignment is one of the significant reasons marriages often fall apart.
This pressure and romantic ideals can make it easy to enter a marriage without fully understanding what it takes to maintain a happy, fulfilling partnership. However, as statistics show, marriage is not always the path to lifelong happiness.
The State of Marriage Today
Marriage rates have been steadily declining. According to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, the U.S. divorce rate hovers around 39%. For those who do stay married, statistics indicate that only about 60% of married people describe their marriage as "very happy" or "pretty happy." That means many people in marriages are not experiencing the fairy-tale union we often imagine.
So, what is it about marriage that can lead to such dissatisfaction? And why is singlehood, on the other hand, often painted as a lonely, unfulfilled state? Let’s address the pros and cons of marriage compared to single life.
Pros and Cons of Marriage
Pros of Marriage:
Companionship—Having a partner to share life’s journey can provide security, support, and companionship.
Financial Benefits - Married couples often enjoy tax benefits, shared expenses, and possibly increased economic stability.
Emotional Support—A strong, supportive marriage can offer emotional stability, encourage personal growth, and provide a safe space for vulnerability.
Cons of Marriage:
Compromise—Marriage requires compromise and self-sacrifice. This can lead to resentment over time, especially if neither partner aligns their values and goals.
Loss of Independence - Marriage often involves making decisions as a unit, which can sometimes feel limiting and challenging for those who value independence.
Routine and Monotony - Relationships, especially long-term ones, require work to maintain excitement and connection, and over time, many couples fall into routines that can feel stagnant.
Pros and Cons of Being Single
Pros of Being Single:
Independence - Single people can choose based solely on their needs and desires.
Self-Discovery - Being single allows you to explore your interests, goals, and dreams without compromise.
Less Emotional Turmoil - Single life often involves fewer emotional conflicts and misunderstandings that can sometimes arise in relationships.
Cons of Being Single:
Loneliness - Loneliness can set in without a partner, especially during difficult times when having someone by your side is comforting.
Social Stigma - Society still holds traditional views on marriage, and singles, particularly women, often face criticism or pity for not being “settled.”
Lack of Support System - Marriage can offer a built-in support system, and singles sometimes have to navigate life’s challenges on their own.
Resolving Modern Marriage Problems: Building a Stronger Foundation
Marriage may not be the fairy tale it’s often sold as, but with intentional effort, it can be gratifying. Emotional intelligence is a foundational element contributing to a thriving partnership. Emotional intelligence in marriage involves understanding, managing, and empathizing with each other’s emotions, creating a stable foundation for the relationship. Here are some ways to foster a healthy, fulfilling marriage—or partnership of any kind—that can withstand the pressures of modern life.
Prioritize Communication
Open, honest, and ongoing communication is key. Couples who frequently share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns are happier and more resilient. Establish regular times to check in with each other, even if things seem fine.
Reframe Expectations
Sometimes, unhappiness in marriage stems from unrealistic expectations. The idea that marriage should provide constant happiness or that a partner should be able to fulfill all your emotional needs is both unrealistic and unsustainable. Embrace the imperfections and strive to be a source of happiness, support, and growth for each other.
Cultivate Independence
Even within a marriage, maintaining independence can be incredibly healthy. By nurturing individual interests, friends, and goals outside the relationship, you bring fresh energy and experiences back into your marriage, preventing monotony and fostering personal growth.
Strengthen Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence—understanding and managing one’s emotions while empathizing with a partner’s feelings—plays a vital role in healthy relationships. Marriage means attuning to each other’s needs and feelings, even when not verbally expressed. Couples with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to manage conflicts, as they can approach disagreements with empathy, patience, and a genuine desire to understand.
Strengthening emotional intelligence involves:
Self-awareness: Recognize your emotional triggers and take responsibility for them. Expressing your feelings rather than acting out of frustration can prevent conflicts from escalating.
Empathy: Listen to your partner without judgment, striving to understand their point of view. When couples feel understood and validated, they are more likely to connect deeply.
Self-Regulation: Manage your emotional responses during conflicts. Pausing before reacting or speaking allows for a more thoughtful and constructive conversation, creating a sense of safety and respect.
Positive Reinforcement: Notice and express appreciation for your partner’s efforts, gestures, and achievements, however small. This practice reinforces a sense of trust, safety, and respect within the relationship.
Seek Therapy if Needed
Many couples can benefit from therapy, even when things seem to be going well. Therapy can provide valuable tools for managing conflict, improving communication, and understanding each other’s needs. If there are underlying issues, addressing them with the help of a professional can make a significant difference.
Make Time for Fun and Adventure
One of the biggest traps in marriage is falling into a monotonous routine. Try to keep the romance alive by trying new activities, setting regular date nights, and celebrating each other’s milestones.
By strengthening emotional intelligence alongside these practices, couples can navigate the challenges of marriage with greater resilience and empathy, fostering a deeply fulfilling and enduring relationship. Emotional intelligence, after all, is not just a skill—it’s a mindset that can transform how we relate to ourselves and those we love.
Modern Marriage: A New Perspective
Ultimately, the choice between marriage and singlehood should be what brings you peace, fulfillment, and happiness. The pressure to marry or the stigma of being single shouldn’t dictate our choices. Whether in a marriage or as a single individual, focusing on personal growth, setting realistic expectations, and nurturing a supportive network can pave the way to a fulfilling life.
We may live in a world where the concept of marriage is shifting, and perhaps it’s time to rethink how we view relationships. Rather than subscribing to outdated ideals, we can work to define our relationships by what feels right, fulfilling, and meaningful for each of us individually. For some, that means marriage; for others, it means a happy, independent life. There’s no right or wrong choice—just the one that makes you feel whole.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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