Our culture often emphasizes “fixing” our feelings, especially those that bring discomfort—anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear. But emotional health isn’t about erasing uncomfortable feelings; it’s about becoming familiar with them, recognizing their roots, and learning to manage how they influence us. As renowned psychologist Carl Jung once said, “What you resist persists.” When we try to eliminate our negative emotions, they often strengthen, impacting us more intensely.
Your Feelings Aren’t the Enemy
In the words of psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, “Emotions are data, not directives.” Emotions give us insight into our values, fears, and needs, yet they don’t dictate our actions. We can learn more about ourselves and our environment by viewing emotions as valuable information. For example, feelings of jealousy might reflect an unacknowledged insecurity, while anger could signal a boundary being crossed. By examining our emotions instead of simply pushing them away, we allow ourselves to understand our true concerns and take constructive actions rather than react impulsively.
Recognizing and Naming Your Feelings
Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, coined the phrase “Name it to tame it.” Identifying our feelings is the first step in preventing emotions from overwhelming us. When we put words to our feelings, we engage the logical part of the brain, bringing clarity and control to what can otherwise feel chaotic. Instead of spiraling into anger, saying, “I feel disrespected,” allows us to pinpoint the underlying issue and respond more clearly.
This process is an exercise in mindfulness, which studies have shown helps to reduce emotional reactivity and improve emotional regulation. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that people who practiced mindful recognition of their emotions were less likely to react impulsively, felt less stressed, and reported higher satisfaction with their interactions. By identifying and naming emotions as they arise, we cultivate awareness of our responses and can choose how to navigate our feelings.
Working With Your Emotions
Rather than striving to “fix” or “resolve” uncomfortable feelings, we can approach them with curiosity and compassion. Psychologist and researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion studies, highlights that “being kind to yourself in instances of suffering or discomfort can foster emotional resilience.” Self-compassion invites us to feel our emotions without criticism or judgment, recognizing that emotions are a universal part of the human experience.
By allowing ourselves to feel and reflect on our emotions, we create a space for growth. Instead of criticizing ourselves for feeling vulnerable, anxious, or angry, we can acknowledge these feelings as natural and ask ourselves what we need. For instance, instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel anxious,” consider asking, “What’s causing my anxiety, and what can I do to support myself through it?”
Learning to Respond Rather Than React
One of the most empowering aspects of working with our emotions is learning to respond consciously rather than impulsively. Dr. Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed that “between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we have the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” When we recognize our emotions without letting them take over, we pause, allowing us to reflect before taking action.
This gap between feeling and reaction becomes a powerful tool for emotional management. For instance, rather than lashing out in frustration, we can step back, observe our feelings, and consciously choose how to respond. This is especially important when emotions are intense or arise in high-stakes situations. By pausing, we make choices aligned with our values and long-term goals rather than letting emotions dictate our actions.
Practical Steps to Manage Emotions Without Fixing Them
Practice Self-Awareness: Start by checking in with yourself regularly. Notice any physical sensations or thoughts that might signal an emotional state.
Name Your Feelings: Use specific words to describe what you feel. Instead of saying, “I’m upset,” specify if it’s disappointment, frustration, or sadness.
Explore the Why: Ask yourself questions about the root cause of your emotions. Why am I feeling this way? What might this feeling be trying to tell me?
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself in moments of discomfort. Accept that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling without judgment.
Pause Before Reacting: When you feel an emotional surge, take a few deep breaths before responding. This helps create space to make more thoughtful choices.
Being Real With Yourself
Ultimately, emotional health is about being real with yourself. By learning to understand and work with our emotions, we permit ourselves to be fully human, with all the complexity and depth that entails. Feelings don’t need to be “fixed” but must be understood. Emotions are not roadblocks but guides, helping us navigate the often complex journey of life. As we grow in this awareness, we can lead more intentional, fulfilling lives, embracing every feeling as a part of our ongoing story.
Book Recommendations:
Emotional Agility by Susan David – Dive into flexible thinking and emotional growth techniques.
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl – A powerful reflection on resilience and purpose in the face of adversity.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle – Embrace the present and reduce emotional reactivity through mindfulness.
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff – Learn to be kind to yourself in moments of difficulty.
Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown – Explore and map out complex emotional experiences.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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