I've noticed that "boundaries" have become a popular buzzword lately. I previously wrote about healthy boundaries for self-care, but I’ve also observed that some people are misusing the concept. Instead of using boundaries for self-preservation, they’re weaponizing them as a means of control. It is crucial to understand the difference between setting genuine boundaries and using them to manipulate situations. The tricky part is that when someone disguises control as a boundary, it can leave others hesitant to challenge it out of respect for what they believe are valid boundaries.
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They help us maintain personal peace, protect our emotional well-being, and foster mutual respect. But sometimes, what may seem like a boundary can be a form of control, making it hard to tell the difference. If you’ve ever felt confused or frustrated in a relationship, wondering whether someone’s behavior is about maintaining their boundaries or simply controlling the dynamic, you’re not alone. Let’s explore how to distinguish between healthy boundaries and controlling behavior.
What is a Healthy Boundary?
A healthy boundary is meant to protect a person’s well-being while maintaining respect for others. It’s about creating space for self-care, emotional balance, and honest communication without unnecessarily dictating or restricting someone else’s behavior. In short, healthy boundaries are flexible and compassionate, and they encourage mutual respect.
Here’s an example of a healthy boundary:
“I prefer not to talk late at night because I need time to unwind, but we can chat earlier in the day.”
This boundary acknowledges the person’s need for rest but leaves room for connection at a more appropriate time.
What is Controlling Behavior?
Controlling behavior, on the other hand, manipulates or dictates the terms of a relationship, often without considering the other person’s needs. Control tends to feel rigid, inflexible, and one-sided. It can create a power imbalance in the relationship, leaving one feeling restricted or dismissed.
Here’s an example of controlling behavior:
“I will only talk to you on one specific day and time, and if you miss it, we won’t talk until next week.”
This example shows no flexibility or consideration for the other person’s needs or schedule. It dictates the terms of the relationship and leaves no room for mutual engagement.
How to Tell the Difference: Control vs. Boundaries
1. Flexibility
Boundary: Boundaries have some level of flexibility. They may adjust as circumstances change or can be discussed openly to ensure both people’s needs are met.
Control: Control is rigid. The person dictating the rules is unwilling to compromise or consider the other person’s needs.
Example:
Healthy Boundary: "I can’t talk today, but we can catch up tomorrow."
Controlling Behavior: "You can only talk to me at this specific time, and if you miss it, too bad."
2. Mutual Respect
Boundary: Healthy boundaries benefit both people. They allow for personal peace while maintaining mutual respect and understanding.
Control: Controlling behavior often only benefits one person and disregards the other person’s needs or desires.
Example:
Healthy Boundary: "I need some time after social events, so I may not be available immediately afterward."
Controlling Behavior: "You can’t make plans with anyone else without checking with me first."
3. Open Communication
Boundary: Both people can discuss and agree upon healthy boundaries. There’s room for feedback and compromise.
Control: Controlling behavior shuts down communication or makes one person feel like they can’t ask for adjustments or express their needs.
Example:
Healthy Boundary: "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself, but I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk."
Controlling Behavior: "I don’t want to hear about your problems. Only talk to me when you’re in a good mood."
4. Emotional Engagement
Boundary: A healthy boundary allows for emotional engagement and sharing, even if the person needs to limit the intensity or timing of conversations.
Control: Controlling behavior often shuts down emotional engagement, making one feel that their feelings aren’t valid or worth addressing.
Example:
Healthy Boundary: "I’m not ready to discuss that topic right now, but I appreciate your understanding."
Controlling Behavior: "I will never share anything personal with you, but you must tell me everything about your life."
5. Balance in the Relationship
Boundary: Healthy boundaries create balance. They respect the needs of both people in the relationship and allow for a give-and-take dynamic.
Control: Controlling behavior creates an imbalance, where one person holds all the power and makes all the decisions.
Example:
Healthy Boundary: "I can only spend an hour with you today, but I’m looking forward to catching up."
Controlling Behavior: "You can only see me on my terms, and if it doesn’t fit your schedule, that’s your problem."
When Boundaries Become Control
Boundaries are meant to foster personal peace and help maintain healthy relationships. However, when boundaries become too rigid, only serve one person, or prevent mutual engagement, they stop being boundaries and turn into control. It’s important to ask yourself these questions when evaluating the dynamics in your relationships:
Is this boundary benefiting both of us or just one person?
Is there any flexibility or room for discussion?
Do I feel restricted or dismissed by this person’s “boundaries”?
Am I able to share my feelings and needs without fear of rejection or shutdown?
If you answer “no” to these questions, it might indicate that what you’re experiencing isn’t a healthy boundary but controlling behavior.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, and balance. Boundaries should help both people feel safe and respected, while control limits freedom and often benefits only one person. If you question whether a dynamic is based on control or boundaries, reflect on how the relationship makes you feel—do you feel heard, respected, and valued? Or do you feel restricted, dismissed, or unheard?
Setting boundaries and recognizing controlling behavior is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships. Suppose you're dealing with a situation that feels more like control than boundaries. In that case, it may be time to reevaluate that relationship and consider what kind of connection best supports your emotional well-being.
Recommended Reading:
"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
"Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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