Relationships can bring joy and growth into our lives, but losing our sense of self is easy. I’ve seen it often—friends dive into a new relationship, and suddenly, they disappear. I’ve been there myself, so wrapped up in the relationship that I felt my partner was with a version of me I was showing for their sake, not for who I truly was. Ultimately, the relationship didn’t last, and I walked away, realizing I had sacrificed too much of myself. It was a lesson learned early on and a major reason I chose to leave. Now, I notice the same dynamic in others—people who seem unfulfilled because they’ve become enmeshed in the relationship.
There’s also plenty of misguided advice on relationships out there. I came across a tip from a popular YouTuber suggesting that to “keep a man,” you must be useful to him, build him up, support his goals, work for him, and make his life your life so he’ll want to keep you around. I disagree with this. While mutual support is undoubtedly part of a healthy relationship, both people still need the space to pursue their dreams. A strong relationship isn’t about losing yourself to fulfill someone else’s life; it’s about walking alongside each other, growing individually while sharing in each other’s journeys.
The story of Helen Palmer Geisel, the first wife of beloved author Dr. Seuss, offers a powerful reminder of what can happen when we entwine our identity too closely with another person. Helen’s note, written before her tragic death, reflects the emotional anguish and mental health struggles she experienced after years of seeing herself as inseparable from her husband. Her story, while heartbreaking, teaches us essential lessons on the importance of self-healing, establishing a solid sense of self, and avoiding the mental health risks that arise when we become too enmeshed in a relationship.
Helen’s Story: A Cautionary Tale of Enmeshment
Helen’s life was marked by dedication and devotion to her husband, supporting him through his career as Dr. Seuss. She poured her identity into his success, into being by his side, and in many ways, her sense of self became deeply intertwined with his life and work. When their marriage faced difficulties, mainly rumors of an affair, Helen’s world began to crumble. Her final words reflect her deep despair and lack of hope, feeling as if she was spiraling “down, down, down, into a black hole from which there is no escape.” These haunting words reveal the mental toll that can accompany losing oneself to another person, especially when facing betrayal or loss within that relationship.
The Risks of Losing Your Identity in a Relationship
When we invest too much of ourselves in someone else, it’s easy to become emotionally dependent and to feel that our happiness or worth hinges on them. This can lead to enmeshment, where boundaries blur, and we lose the distinct parts of ourselves that define our individuality. This loss of identity can create a host of mental health issues, including:
Depression: As Helen’s note suggests, losing oneself to someone else can leave us feeling empty and isolated when that relationship is strained or ends. Depression often accompanies this feeling, especially when we have no clear sense of our own identity and struggle to envision a future without the other person.
Anxiety: Enmeshment can lead to heightened anxiety as we become hyper-focused on the other person’s actions, moods, and reactions, fearing anything that could jeopardize the relationship.
Low Self-Esteem: When we tie our worth to someone else, we risk diminishing our self-esteem, especially if that person is critical, distant, or unfaithful. If they falter, we can feel like failures, blaming ourselves or seeing ourselves as unworthy without their validation.
Dependency and Codependency: Enmeshment fosters dependency, and we might feel as if we can’t make decisions or feel okay without the other person’s approval. This emotional reliance can stifle personal growth, making it difficult to recognize our needs.
The Importance of Healing and Establishing Self-Identity
Helen’s story highlights the importance of self-healing and the need to cultivate a strong sense of self. Healing allows us to nurture our self-worth, establish healthy boundaries, and develop a resilient identity that can stand independently from our relationships. Here’s why healing and self-identity are essential in relationships:
Grounding in Your Worth: A healthy relationship begins with a healthy relationship with yourself. When we heal, we value ourselves for who we are rather than needing someone else to complete or validate us. This self-worth prevents us from overly dependent on another person’s opinion or presence.
Healthy Boundaries and Emotional Independence: Healing involves developing boundaries—knowing where you end and someone else begins. Boundaries allow us to maintain emotional independence and love fully without losing ourselves. When challenges arise, we can step back and respond from a grounded place rather than reacting out of fear or dependency.
Staying Resilient Through Challenges: Healing cultivates resilience, teaching us to cope with disappointment, betrayal, or change. Instead of feeling our world collapse, we’re better equipped to manage the pain, allowing us to process it healthily and emerge stronger.
Enhancing Relationship Quality: Relationships thrive when partners bring a whole, healed self. When each person has a clear sense of identity and purpose, the relationship can be a source of growth and support rather than a dependency. It becomes a partnership of equals, giving from a place of fullness.
Tools for Building and Maintaining Your Identity in Relationships
While Helen’s story is painful, her experience teaches us that healing is an ongoing journey and that self-identity must be nurtured actively. Here are some strategies to help you maintain your identity in relationships:
Journal Regularly: Use your journal as a safe space to explore your thoughts, dreams, and goals. Check in with yourself regularly to honor your desires, values, and aspirations.
Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t barriers but essential for healthy connections. Consider what’s important to you and where your limits lie. Communicate these openly, and remember that respecting your boundaries is a form of self-care.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially in challenging times. Self-compassion can help you stay resilient when facing relationship issues and reduce the need for validation from others.
Cultivate Interests Outside the Relationship: Hobbies, passions, and friendships outside of a relationship enrich your life and help maintain your sense of self. They remind you of who you are and provide fulfillment beyond your relationship.
Seek Support When Needed: A strong support network, including friends, family, or a therapist, can help you maintain a balanced perspective. Talking to others reminds us that we’re not alone and have a community beyond our relationship.
Moving Forward: Honoring Yourself in Love
At Journals to Healing, our self-help journals are designed to support you on this journey, offering prompts that help you explore your identity, heal emotional wounds, and cultivate self-worth. Let Helen’s story inspire you to value your journey of self-discovery and healing, knowing that when you are whole, you can love more deeply, thoroughly, and with a healthy sense of independence.
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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