The worst part of a relationship is when you realize you’ve invested so much emotionally, only to discover it won’t work out. That sinking feeling of “this isn’t right” often isn’t enough to make us walk away immediately. We tend to hang on, trying to fix things or, sometimes, denying what’s happening. But eventually, the inevitable comes: it ends. And then what? What’s the healthy way to move on from this? How much time should you take before dating again? How do you recognize your dating patterns and leave behind the emotional baggage? How do you heal from a breakup?
I’ve asked myself these questions through personal experience, especially after dating a man still hung up on an ex he’d broken up with nine years earlier. It was a reminder of how some people seem to get stuck in the past, unable to move forward fully. For some reason, I’ve found men more prone to this. Studies even support that men take longer to recover emotionally after a breakup, likely because they tend to rely more heavily on their romantic partners for emotional support and don’t always have the same support networks that women often do. But whether you’re a man or a woman, the path to healing and moving on requires intentional steps. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.
The Process of Healing from a Breakup
The first step is acceptance. This is often the most challenging part, especially if you’ve put significant time and energy into the relationship. We go through what’s known as the “denial phase,” where our mind struggles to reconcile the reality of the breakup. It’s common to feel urges to reach out, stay friends, or even try to patch things up despite the evidence that it isn’t working. These impulses are part of the brain’s way of coping with rejection. Studies show that rejection activates the same brain areas as physical pain, so it’s no wonder it feels so unbearable at first.
I’ve found that the healthiest approach is to set boundaries with yourself and your ex. Take a break from communication, social media, and even memories. This doesn’t mean repressing your emotions—quite the opposite. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the loss, but avoid feeding the urge to reach out. Some therapists even recommend a “detox” period of at least 30 to 60 days to give your mind time to adjust and process independently.
Reflect, Don’t Ruminate
Once you’ve established some distance, it’s time for self-reflection. Psychologically, it’s easy to fall into rumination—replaying what went wrong, what you could have done differently, or what your ex did wrong. But rather than fixating on the past, try focusing on what you learned from the relationship. Journaling is a great way to do this. Studies show that people who journal after a breakup recover faster because they can process their emotions, make sense of the experience, and eventually find closure.
Ask yourself, “What did I like about this relationship?” “What patterns did I notice that I’d want to avoid in the future?” and “What did I learn about myself?” These questions help shift your focus from blame to self-growth, which is crucial for moving forward without carrying unresolved baggage into your next relationship.
Recognize Patterns in Your Dating Choices
A key part of healing involves recognizing any patterns in your dating choices. I’ve noticed in my own experiences that I tend to be drawn to certain traits, some of which haven’t served me well in the long run. Psychologists call this the “repetition compulsion”—an unconscious drive to repeat past patterns in an attempt to “fix” what went wrong before.
For instance, it may be worth exploring why you’re drawn to that type if you keep dating emotionally unavailable people. Are you subconsciously picking partners who echo unresolved issues from earlier in life? Identifying these patterns is the first step to breaking them. Therapy can be an effective tool here, as a professional can help you spot and work through these tendencies.
How Long Should You Wait Before Dating Again?
There’s no set timeline for how long you should wait before dating again, but experts generally advise taking a break to process the last relationship fully. One popular guideline is to wait three months for every year you were together, but this varies greatly depending on the depth of the relationship and your emotional resilience.
In some cases, diving back into dating too soon can be a way of avoiding the pain rather than confronting it. It can lead to “rebound relationships,” often short-lived, and do little to heal the original wound. But is this fair to the other person? Why be irresponsible for someone else’s emotions? I don’t recommend doing this; in my opinion, it’s a passing pain. Instead, permit yourself to take the time to rebuild your sense of self outside of a relationship. Reflect on what you truly want and need in a partner, not just what you’ve been used to in the past.
Why Do Some People Get “Stuck”?
I’ve wondered this myself, especially after encountering people who still carried emotional baggage from relationships that ended years ago. Research suggests that people who struggle to move on often have an insecure attachment style, which can lead them to idealize past relationships or fear opening up to new ones.
Emotional avoidant behaviors, like stonewalling or refusing to communicate, are sometimes coping mechanisms for unresolved pain. If someone can’t bring themselves to process the emotions from a previous relationship, those feelings linger, creating barriers to intimacy in future relationships. But just because one person cannot move on doesn’t mean you have to carry their emotional baggage. When I recognized this in the man who couldn’t let go of his ex, I realized it wasn’t my responsibility to fix his unresolved issues. It’s up to each of us to do the work to move forward. I also understood that it wasn’t a fair trade, and if I pursued the situation further, I would carry the emotional load.
Moving On with Intention
Healing from a breakup isn’t about forgetting or “getting over” the other person—it’s about moving forward in a way that allows you to bring a healthier, happier version of yourself into future relationships. Reflect, nurture yourself, and reconnect with things you enjoy. Build your support system, whether that’s through friends, family, or even new hobbies. Studies show that people who find purpose and fulfillment recover more quickly from breakups than those who focus solely on finding a new relationship.
Lastly, remember that healing isn’t a linear process. There will be good days and setbacks, but that’s all part of the journey. Use this time to learn, grow, and become the kind of partner you’d want to have in your life. Healing is possible, and one day, you’ll look back on this time and be grateful for the growth it brought you. Continue Your Healing Journey:
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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