Chances are, you’ve taken a quiz (or five) and discovered your attachment style—maybe you wear it proudly or use it to explain why relationships keep hitting dead ends. But here’s the thing: identifying your attachment style isn’t the end of the journey; it’s just the beginning. So, if you’ve taken that quiz, identified as “avoidant” (or any other style besides secure), and thought, “Welp, that’s me,” it’s time to dig a little deeper.
Attachment Styles 101: The Basics
Attachment styles are how we connect emotionally with others, often formed early in life and typically influenced by how our caregivers respond to our needs. According to attachment theory (developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth), there are four main attachment styles:
Secure: This attachment style makes you feel safe in relationships, allows you to manage closeness and independence, and allows you to communicate well. Roughly 50% of people have this attachment style.
Anxious-Preoccupied: You crave closeness but often worry about your partner’s love for you, needing frequent reassurance.
Dismissive-Avoidant: You value independence over closeness and may shut down emotionally when things get intense.
Fearful-Avoidant: You want connection but fear getting hurt, creating a push-pull relationship dynamic.
But Where Did These Styles Come From?
Early interactions influence our attachment style, typically with parents or primary caregivers. For example, if your caregivers were consistently available, you likely developed a secure attachment style. However, if they are inconsistent or unavailable, that can lead to either anxious or avoidant tendencies. According to Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, our attachment styles are “like a roadmap” based on past experiences—but they aren’t the final destination.
Why It’s NOT a Badge of Honor
Let’s get real: while it’s great to identify your attachment style, it’s not something to cling to as a personality trait. Your attachment style is a learned pattern of relating, not a life sentence. For instance, if you discover you’re avoidant and start wearing it like a quirky personality trait (“Oh, I’m just avoidant; commitment freaks me out!”), it can quickly become an excuse for not working on yourself. Remember, you can change your attachment style only if you put in the effort.
The Path to Becoming Secure: Yes, It’s Possible
So, how do you move toward a more secure attachment style? Psychologists suggest several methods:
Self-awareness: Acknowledge your patterns. Knowing your attachment style is the first step, but observe how it plays out in real-time.
Therapy: Attachment styles are deeply rooted, so working with a therapist (especially one familiar with attachment theory) can be incredibly helpful. They can provide insight and guidance on reworking old patterns.
Communicate Openly: Practice sharing feelings, needs, and boundaries. If you’re anxious, try asking for reassurance. If you’re avoidant, challenge yourself to stay connected even when you feel the urge to withdraw.
Mindfulness and Emotion Regulation: Learning how to manage and process emotions helps reduce anxiety, making it easier to approach relationships confidently and calmly.
Secure Role Models: Seek out people with a secure attachment style. Studies show that interacting with secure individuals can gradually help shift attachment styles, showing how healthy relationships look and feel.
If You’re Avoidant...Well, maybe you shouldn’t avoid working on it.
If you identify as avoidant, it might be tempting to think, “I’m just better off alone” or “People are too much work.” While avoiding deeper connections might seem like a shortcut, you are dodging growth. If “avoidant” were a job title, it might come with the tagline, “Highly skilled at ghosting when emotions get intense!” But here’s the thing: there’s so much more out there than just cutting and running. Taking steps toward security doesn’t mean you’ll lose your independence—it just means you’ll have healthier, more fulfilling relationships with less dodging involved.
Parting Wisdom
Knowing your attachment style can be incredibly insightful, but it’s not an excuse to stop growing. Use it as a tool, not an identity. If you’re anxious, work on building self-soothing skills; if you’re avoidant, challenge yourself to stay open even when uncomfortable. No one will give you a medal for clinging to an insecure attachment style.
As therapist and attachment expert Dr. Sue Johnson says, “Attachment is not a weakness; it’s a life-saving necessity.” Your attachment style is changeable, and moving towards a secure style can open up new levels of connection, trust, and peace. So, take that quiz result, acknowledge it, and do the work. Because when you let go of unhealthy patterns, you’re making space for something real—true connection. And isn’t that worth a little effort?
Continue Your Healing Journey:
Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.
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